President Rogers: Mr. Speaker, Vice-President Fourtou, members of the big five,
distinguished rappers, and fellow consumers: It gives me great pleasure to
present to you my State of the Hip-Hop Union address this evening. I am certain
that after hearing my plan for this nation, we will all come together in a show
of solidarity to protect our interests both here and abroad. Before I get to my
three point plan, however, I would like to announce my goal to “leave no child
behind” by encouraging rappers to act as responsible role models who will
denounce misogyny, violence and hedonism whenever appropriate. In the coming
years, several of our new artists will be politically conscious teachers that
will drop knowledge on the masses and live up to the creative potential they
wittily but misguidedly exhibit when rapping about drugs, guns, hoes, and money.
As stated by Minster Paul Scott of Durham, NC, the “dummifying of hip-hop” has
reached unprecedented levels and will only be countered when we as an industry
take chances on artists who are actually creative, articulate, and halfway
conscious of the world they live in. Before we can get to my plan, however, it
is essential that we get the economy going because it’s hard to take chances on
non-traditional rappers when record sales are down. Nah mean?
Economic Stimulus Package
Today is a very challenging time for the Hip-Hop Nation. Piracy is rampant,
record sales are down and 50/50 ventures are hard to come by. Likewise, record
labels are dissolving or moving out of the hip-hop market altogether and several
rappers have begun to pawn their Bentleys and Jacob watches to avoid bankruptcy.
To stimulate the economy, the Hip-Hop Nation needs the type of leadership that
will kick start our industry into the 21st century. That is why I am proposing
$69 billion tax cuts to each of the five major music distributors (Universal,
BGM, Sony, EMI, and Warner-Elektra), who sell and/or distribute nearly 90% of
all music bought in the United States.
More money for the distributors means more jobs for lawyers, lobbyists, and FBI
personnel to go after college students who download and distribute copyrighted
music from the Internet. More money in the hands of the big five also means more
$18 compact discs (CDs) on the shelves. Some ivy-league economists argue that
putting more CDs on the shelves at a time when consumers are broke is
ill-advised supply side (“trickle down”) economics. While I understand those
concerns, it is important for us to remember that it is the ingenuity of the Hip
Hop entrepreneur that has allowed our economy to grow over the past few years.
Think about it. Way back in 1996, rappers were using special effects and high
tech graphics in their videos. Nowadays, they use rented SUVs and $250 hoochies
as extras and are selling records nonetheless. If that’s not fiscal
responsibility, then I don’t know what is. Besides, what better way to stimulate
the economy than with sex and chromed out whips? With the right support from my
administration, I am sure that we can provide our corporations with enough
capital to invest in more hoochies and escalades for every video!
(Applause)
Hater Defense
In these trying times, it is essential that our rappers, video hoochies, and
label executives remain safe and secure from the evils of terror, also known as
player haterism. That’s why I am supporting the appropriation of $666 million
trillion to the Department of Hater Defense to pay for extra shiny gold fronts,
rims, and silver jewelry that will blind evildoers and thus deter their
criticism. Some of that money will also go toward bulletproof Hummers and fitted
caps to protect our artists from extremists who have been announcing their
assassination plots on mixtapes these past few months. Finally, by arming every
artist with 23rd century Motorola two-way pagers, we will be equipping them with
long-range hater defense capabilities. Some argue that increasing deficit
spending for the sake of expensive and unproven technology is irresponsible. To
the critics I ask, “Whose side are you on? Ours or the playa haters?”
(Applause)
Ja Rule-50 Cent Conflict
Not since the days of the Tupac-Biggie beef have we seen a grudge with the
potential to be so deadly as the Ja Rule-50 Cent grudge. A death to either,
particularly at a time where Bill O’Reilly appears on television five days per
week, would be drastic to the well-being of the art form which we have all grown
to profit from. As a result, we will arm 50 Cent with all of latest anti-playa
hata technology on the market. For those of you who question why we have taken
sides and armed 50, please keep in mind that 50 Cent is the only quadruple
platinum-selling Shady Records rapper in the region (of Queens, NY). As a
result, it is in our national interest to help 50 and the G-Unit shield
themselves from any terrorist attacks and brutally punish their opposition!
(Applause)
The commercial success of 50 Cent is God’s Plan and we all know that G Unit is
the Future, so why not Get Rich or Die Trying with our Shady allies? I have
faith in the Power of the Dollar, and with time, so will the rest of the globe.
We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail. GGGGggggg Unit!!!
(Standing ovation)
[Editors note: Evan is still wondering how the popularity of Ja Rule has gone down at the same
time that the popularity of George W. Bush (aka “G Dub”) has gone up. To explain
to him why rappers are remarkably eloquent when dissing their peers but
relatively illiterate when criticizing their elected officials, send an email
to: editorial@allhiphop.com]
About the author: Evan Rogers is a sophomore political science major at North
Carolina State University in Raleigh, NC.