West Lines (Don’t Do It) : Kanye West’s 20 Most Unforgivable Lines

    Don’t get it twisted: I dig Kanye. College Dropout and Late Registration are two of the best Hip-Hop albums of the past 10 years and the man is responsible for some clever punchlines. But like any lyrical rapper, Kanyeezy sometimes straddles the line between cunning and corny (okay, sometimes flying past that line at […]

    Don’t get it twisted: I dig Kanye. College Dropout and Late Registration are two of the best Hip-Hop albums of the past 10 years and the man is responsible for some clever punchlines. But like any lyrical rapper, Kanyeezy sometimes straddles the line between cunning and corny (okay, sometimes flying past that line at Mach 3.) We all know Universal Music Group is the real winner regardless of if Kanye or 50 Cent sells more. So here’s something more interesting: Kanye West’s 20 Most Unforgivable Lines. 20. Nextel, my cell, it don’t work down there/What happened in Cancun? Stays down there” – “Out of Your Mind”If the death of a Hip-Hop phrase occurs when corporate America co-opts it, is the reverse true? Here, Kanye takes a slogan invented by the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority and somehow makes them look cooler.19. But I can’t complain what the accident did to my left eye/’Cause look what an accident did to Left Eye” – “Never Let Me Down”This is so close to being a heart-felt line until you realize ‘Ye’s using a play on words to describe someone’s death. I guess saying you were “smokin a Big L” is too insensitive?18.  “Have you ever popped champagne on a plane while getting some brain?/Whipped it out, she said ‘I never seen snakes on a plane.’” – “Good Life”Not horrible, but this one seems a bit forced. Why not just go all out and set up the line with, “Have you ever brought a snake on a plane…17. You know how long I’ve been on ya?….Since O.J. had Isotoners” – “Stronger”How do we know he’s been “on ya” for a long time? Because he just dropped a 1994 reference 13 years later! That is a long time, girl. He has also been on ya since he “lost to E. Honda” and “Jamie Foxx did Wanda.16.The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that’s the way y’all need Jesus.” – “Jesus Walks”Regis? Really? Out of the infinite number of ____ needs ____ combinations, you picked a couple watched by housewives and retirees. Either ‘Ye is a closet Regis fan or Roc-A-Fella and ABC conceived the worst cross-promotional plan since Grandmaster Flash used turntables to describe menstrual cycles on The Facts of Life.15.And I was almost famous, now everybody love Kanye/I’m almost Raymond” – “Last Call” Dropping pop culture references is dicey (See # 16). This one fails because Kanye name-drops arguably the least cool show since Gilmore Girls.14.And you a parrot, you copy what I do and say?/Only difference between you and me, you were gay.” – “My Way”Huh? I guess West deserves credit for being the first rapper to conjure up a gay parrot image but other than that, we know you got better, ‘Ye.13. Back in my mind, I’m like damn no way/Translate Espanol, No way Jose.” – “Big Brother”This generally earnest, sincere Jay-Z tribute song on Graduation gets slightly hampered with this clunker. I’m no linguistics expert, but not sure how “Espanol” this one is. Kinda like saying you speak French by ordering a croissant at a diner.12. How many ladies in the house without a spouse? Somethin’ in your blouse got me feeling so aroused.” – “I Wonder”The last time I heard the word “aroused” was in seventh-grade health class. It’s too bad the original line after of, “Especially if your name’s Dolores or Kagina” didn’t make the cut.11.Saying ‘we eat pieces of sh!t like you for breakfast’/Huh? Y’all eat pieces of sh!t? What’s the basis?” – “Jesus Walks”It’s kinda sad when Kanye’s famed addiction to p### are actually the highest-quality movies he likes. I can picture him watching Happy Gilmore after a long night in the studio and a light bulb going off.10.Heard they’d do anything for a Klondike/Well I’d do anything for a blonde d###.” – “Stronger”Sadly, we have to forgive the ’90s pop-culture reference only because it’s the best part of the couplet.9. So if the devil wear Prada/Adam, Eve wear nada, I’m in between but way more fresher.” – “Can’t Tell Me Nothing”So wait? You’re fresher than the Devil and Adam and Eve? Is this the standard today’s rappers aspire to be fresher then? It would make sense, I guess, that if there’s gonna be Hip-Hop beef, Kanye would choose the biggest target imaginable.8. Now if my man Benzino got a Benz and they call him Benzino/When I get my Bentley they gon call me Bent-lino.” –“Call Some Hoes” (Chamillionaire)You can’t argue with this logic. Was this an unused Canibus line?7.I’ma make her my apprentice/Make her open wide like she made me her dentist.” – “Doing Fine”This gem from the Freshman Adjustment mixtape is what happens when your only source material is The World’s Worst Pick-up Lines. I’m waiting for the remix when ‘Ye asks a girl if she’s “from Tennessee/’Cause you the only ten I see.”6.K, I need a free hand mammogram/I got weed, drink, and a Handicam/All of which is legal in Amsterdam” – “Breathe In Breathe Out”Many things perplex me about this one. “Drink” and “handicams” are legal in the U.S. too. It would’ve made as much sense to say, “Most of which are legal in America.” And “All of which”? We know your parents are mad smart, but they don’t have to grammatically correct all of your rhymes, Mr. West.5.My apologies, are you into astrology/Cause I’m, I’m tryin to make it to Uranus.” – “Gettin it In” (Jadakiss)One oft the most oft-quoted ‘Ye lines, this one has the unique ability to both drop a joke last heard in the sandbox with a brilliant “Astrology/Astronomy” confusion. I’m picturing this song getting focus-grouped to first-graders and the comments coming back, “More Uranus jokes.”4. It’s a party tonight and ooh she’s so excited/Tell me who’s invited: you, your friends and my d**k.” – “The New Workout Plan”We’ll forgive rhyming “excited” with “my d**k” for a second and pause to think of the unwanted image of Kanye’s package getting a separate invitation to something.3.Now even though I went to college and dropped out of school quick/I always had a P.H.D.–A pretty huge d**k” “Girls, Girls, Girls” RemixSo Pete Rock skillfully drops “T.R.O.Y.” RZA is smart with P.E.A.C.E. Diddy drops PhD: Playa Hata Degree. And now this. Devolution at its finest. I’m looking forward to the next hot producer talking about “Already Been Chewed gum” and “Xamining Your Zipper.” This is like the reverse of the “Aroused” line, and apparently so good, ‘Ye felt a need to use it again on Dropout’s “Breathe In, Breathe Out.” 2.Who gave Saddam anthrax?/George Bush got the answers.” – “Crack Music”What? There are eught-year olds who eat glue and think “Iraq” is a place to hold sunglasses who can debunk this one. You get the feeling that Kanye was skimming the headlines of a National Enquirer one day and pieced together this incendiary bit of political commentary.1. I’m like the fly Malcolm X/Buy any jeans necessary” – “Good Morning”For years, Guru was able to lounge on his couch, safe in the fact that his “Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is” line from “DWYCK” has battled and beaten hundreds of contenders for Most Unforgivable Line in Hip-Hop. I think it’s time to pass the torch.