Big Hats, Bigger Hate

What the hell… Ok, no. really, what the hell is going on with these damned big hats? Now you’re saying to yourself, “Hey, Jean…pray tell, what big hats?” Then I’m all, “You know.” Then you’re all, “No, we don’t know! Please, please tell us.” Then I’m all, “Well, if you insist.” Listen, either there are […]

What the hell… Ok, no. really, what the hell is going on with these damned big hats?

Now you’re saying to yourself, “Hey, Jean…pray tell, what big hats?”

Then I’m all, “You know.”

Then you’re all, “No, we don’t know! Please, please tell us.”

Then I’m all, “Well, if you insist.”

Listen, either there are tons of chemo patients walking around, or n##### just simply done forgot what f###### size hat they wear when they walk in the store, or up on the bootleg vendor on the street to get them. Forgive me for my lack of “expertise” in the hat fitting business, but I would think(silly negro) that FITTED hats were supposed to f**king FIT. What the hell is up with this damned, 5 sizes too big s###? This s### is not cute! Who is lying to these poor children? No, no.. not just poor children, because these are grown ass men walking around with these things orbiting their dome. Do they think their (pause) heads are bigger than what they are? Are they storing supplies for next year, like hamsters hoard s### in their jowls? Are they just sneaking illegal substances into “da club”? I don’t damn well know.

I think things started to go horribly f**king wrong when the whole head gear layering effect came into play. Perhaps it was overcompensation for the lack of high hairstyles that we donned in the 90’s[ I.e. gumby, high top fade]. Perhaps these dudes were seriously worried about catching head colds, because wasn’t it our beloved mamas who always told us to “put a hat on and wrap up warm,” especially if we were going outside already ill.

I seriously doubt that it was done in hopes of not catching cold, but it eventually (thanks to Len) led to my circle of friends seeing these chaps in the street and telling them to “get well soon”. I think that was very thoughtful of us. We are a thoughtful bunch.

If you don’t know which style I am referring to, please see diagram 1.A below.

I’m over it now. I don’t get it, never did get it…but sort of got to the point of saying, “Fine, f**k it…look stupid..stay warm, whatever.”

Then, oh no. Brothas, brothas, BROTHAS… Why? For the love of everything good on this earth, why, pray tell are your hats so f**king massive?

Was it Fabolous? Did he start this s###? Did it begin with the foolishness of wearing a f**king paper towel as a bandana(see Lil Mo “Superwoman” video)in addition to a hat so big it could have fit everyone on the set of the video at the same time? Well, whoever’s fault it was for starting this dumb s### is either seriously judgment impaired, or just..well…..retarded.

So, you wear the big hat, the big white t-shirt, the velour suit and to top it off, the dangly chain. The new uniform for aspiring rappers, entourage members, aspiring rappers and rappers… not to mention aspiring rappers. Just a side note, but is everyone a rapper now? There are no more fans left. Just rappers.

Sorry, I digress. I am a hater. A hater of those who don big hats. I don’t care if you’re my friend. I WILL make fun of you. Loudly. Without concern for your personal feelings, if you appear anywhere in my vicinity sporting a big hat. Every time I’m out at a club where there’s lot’s of big hat fools walking around or on the line outside, I can tell what kind of party it is. The kind where the people who should be frisked, get in free. I can’t party while I have to worry about getting shot in the face by a VIP big hat fool, who has beef with another big hat fool in the upstairs VIP. I went to an event the other night and was having a great damned time. The dj’s were ill, the drinks were reasonably priced, people were dancing and singing along to the music. It was a grown folk’s party. It felt great. Then I started looking around the room. Only 3 big hat’s were in attendance.

Out of 150 people. I nodded my head in understanding. Of course at grown folks parties, sometimes grown folks show their a#### and kick you out of your comfortable seats so they can sit in the “this is for ordering bottles” section. We reluctantly stood next to the stage and continued enjoying the evening. Then it happened. The big hat approached the stage, catapulting himself over my body, onto the chair to get onstage. Thus knocking 1/3 of my glass of f**king red wine onto my shirt. Stunned and p#####, I turned around to confront him, which basically turned into a total lack of disrespect for common courtesy.

“Yo, what the f**k?” I said.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I f##### up your drink,” he said turning away.

“F**k my drink! Look at my f**king shirt,” I exclaimed.

“…(silence),” he said.

People, I am so glad that I don’t drink anywhere near as much that I used to, because the grown folk in me didn’t spazz and throw a table at him. That pretty much ended the night, as we left promptly and I cursed all big hats loudly in the cab on the way home.

I hate big hat dudes. I can’t say I’ve seen too many girls with the big hats. But if they exist, I hate them too. No, they can’t explain things to me about stereotyping and generalizing groups. I don’t care. This isn’t prejudice. You don’t choose to be black, or white when you leave the house, but you know what? You DO f**king choose to put that satellite over your cranial space. You knew you were wack when you left the house. For that, I have zero patience.

I think I will be starting a party night soon somewhere in the city. This is my dress code: No dress code. Sneakers, hats, jeans, workboots, whatever. I believe that it’s hip hop music, a hip hop crowd, and I don’t need fancy f**king tight slacks rules for patrons. But there is one thing banned. You will not be allowed in with a big hat. If you bend over and it falls off…you can’t come it. If I can fit a Sharpie marker in between your person and the hat…you can’t come in…If I can visually see, without any physical test, that the hat is just plain ole obviously too gotdamned big for your stupid small head.. you can’t come in. Hate me or love me for whatever I’ve just said. I don’t give a f**k. It’s my column, I can do what I want. Now put that in your big hat and stuff it….

I know there’s room……