The Socialite: “M” Word Stress

The other day, I was talking to a colleague of mine about the “M” word; yes, marriage. She opened up to me on her feelings about it and how she had it all planned out from when she’d like for it to happen, where it will happen, and how many people will attend.   The […]

The other day, I was talking to a colleague of mine about

the “M” word; yes, marriage. She opened up to me on her feelings about it and

how she had it all planned out from when she’d like for it to happen, where it

will happen, and how many people will attend.


The only problem was that she doesn’t have a special someone

in place to fulfill her master plan.


Once our trip into her world of gumdrops, candy canes and

ponies was over, she needed a male’s perspective.


Natalie: So

Deshair, do you ever think about getting married and having children one day?


Deshair: I thought about it on a few occasions. I never

flood my mind with it though. I don’t look at it as some type of mission to



Natalie: What do

you mean?


Deshair: The story that you just laid on me about your

dreams of marriage is more fantasy – and more of a dream than actual reality.

You want to be married by the age of 29, purchase a nice home with white picket

fences, and have your second child by age 31, blah, blah, blah. Sounds more

like you’re lining up your strategies for war than anything else.


Natalie: C’mon, there’s nothing wrong with having it all

planned out. A girl can dream can’t she?


Deshair: Well yeah, as long as your reality isn’t blurred by

it. You’re 27 and don’t even have a steady boyfriend. Yet you already have the

life of your next boyfriend planned out. Honestly, I don’t like that sh*t. I

don’t want to have my life planned out for me before a first date even happens.


Natalie: I hear



Deshair: Look, whether you realize it or not, that dream of

yours will cause you to think outside of what’s in front of you. What will

happen if you’re 28 and you don’t have a man in your life? You’ll be so up in

arms to find you a husband that you’ll take just about anything that comes your



Natalie: It ain’t

even like that Deshair.


Deshair: Really? So if you’re not married by 29, you won’t

be disappointed, even a little bit.


Natalie: Well, yes, I would be, but…


Deshair: Then it is like that. Natalie,

marriage should not under any circumstances be a mission to accomplish. If it

happens when you’re 32, let it happen then. There are certain things in life

that you shouldn’t plan all the way out. And the day of your marriage, without

being a fiancée in the first place, is one of them.


Once that conversation ended, I began to analyze similar

conversations I’ve had in regards to marriage, or at least the pitfalls that

comes with it. The Jagged Edge hit “Let’s Get Married” ran across my mind as to

where people may have subliminally caught the wrong message.


Lyrics like, “Meet me

at the alter, in your white dress / We ain’t getting no younger, we

mind-as-well do it.” I understand what they are saying, but I wouldn’t

suggest making this song your nuptial manual.


Statisticians wonder why the rate of divorce is at an

all-time high. I’ll give you a not so obvious reason why. Some couples look at

marriage as the 100-meter-dash to the alter. The yellow tape at the end of the

race which symbolizes victory when broken is the wedding day.


Once the honeymoon is over, the mentality becomes, “Now that

I have him/her, I can kick back, relax and slack off.” Sounds like a good

reason for a marriage to fall apart to me.


A love that can last forever isn’t a sprint race; it is a

marathon that you train for every day up until the time of the race. Marriage

begins the moment that the gun goes off, signifying the beginning of the race.

And if you have trained hard enough, 26 miles later, you’ll cross the finish

line of “til’ death do us part.”


So ladies, lets get back to the “Marriage on the Brain”

segment. Ever wondered why you ran a guy off early? Bringing up marriage too

early, even in the hypothetical form can do just that.


You see, it’s not like men are completed thrown by

commitment. Men just don’t want to have their entire life planned out for them;

living up to expectations that are built for a storybook. Commitment is built

on a free flowing line of energy, not upon deadlines and/or ultimatums.


Everybody heard the story of the woman who waited forever

for her man to propose to her. “We’ve been together for 10 years, and we’re

still not engaged,” she says. Well if she took the time out to really match up

their similarities, their goals and aspirations or lack there-of, she may have realized

in year two that marriage wouldn’t be the culmination of the relationship that

she was in.


There are woman who live by this story. They don’t want to

be that female that has waited for so long. But that doesn’t mean that you

should force your relationship beyond its limitations at the time out of fear

of time lost. When you take a chance on anything, you’re taking a risk. Finding

your forever love doesn’t come without taking risks.


The last thing that you want to do is push away someone

special in your life because you fear ending up like “this woman” you’ve heard



Let’s work on eliminating some of the stress that we’re

creating upon our own situations. Let’s get to know one another. Let’s communicate

and come to realizations. I am not in any way saying to have a “Whatever

happens, happens” attitude. I am saying that you should open up your mind to

the truth in front of you.


Tips from the



Whatever you’ve done to make someone happy, you must

maintain it to keep them happy.There’s nothing wrong with having expectations. Just be sure

that your expectations are realistic to your current connection.Try your best not to show the “M” on your forehead. The

actual race comes a distant second to the preparation for it.